Jason Taylor Should Moonwalk Home


That prancing sissy is Jason Taylor, six-time Pro Bowler and 2006 Defensive Player of the Year for the Miami Dolphins. Even more importantly, he was first runner-up on this year’s “Dancing with the Stars.” Isn’t it cute how he and his uber-hot partner with the goofy Russian name wore Dolphin colors for their routine?

Newly hired Emperor of Football Operations, Bill Parcells, doesn’t seem to think so. In fact, when Jason visited the Dolphins voluntary off-season workouts, the Big Tuna acted like a cold fish. He refused to shake Taylor’s hand, refused to look up from game tape, refused to acknowledge his existence. Didn’t even give him a catchy nickname or refer to him as “She.”

So, of course, when Miami began a second round of workouts, Taylor blew them off. He jetted out to California in search of fame of a different kind, sending word back that he won’t report for off-season workouts, won’t report to pre-training training camp, and won’t report to actual training camp, either. Basically, he wants nothing more to do with the only team he’s played for during his entire 10 year career.

Like every other “Dancing” contestant, Taylor will soon learn fame is fleeting and obscurity quickly calls once the show is over. Indy Car driver Helio Cassavetes won the show and I bet most people wouldn’t know him from the assclown who cuts you off on the Parkway. Taylor won’t be moving to La-La Land any time soon. He will be back playing football next year, although probably not for the Miami Dolphins. Which begs the question, where should he go?

How about the Pittsburgh Steelers?

I’ve given this some thought and I strongly believe the Steelers should make an effort to bring Jason Taylor back to his hometown. Allow me to present my arguments:

1) He wants to go to a winner. We’re the Steelers. We’re born winners. Our team was one corrupt referee’s holding non-call away from playoff glory last season. This season, the Colts are a year older, the Browns are the Browns, the Chargers are unproven, and the Patriots will struggle now that they can’t tape their opponent’s signals.

2) We need to upgrade the defensive line. Yes, we have some decent players on the line. Aaron Smith is a stud, no doubt. But Brett Keisel and Casey Hampton? Keisel had a whopping total of 2 sacks. Yippee. Hampton made the Pro Bowl but it was by reputation only because he clearly lost a step or ate too many buffets. They are both fairly effective run stoppers, although even that area declined once Smith went down for the season, but neither can pressure the quarterback. How did the New York Football Giants defeat the Patriots? Pressure from their ends. Jason Taylor is an automatic 10+ sack guy. And who knows how effective he could be when he’s protected by our awesome linebackers and running Coordinator Dick Lebeau’s brilliant schemes.

3) He could be had on the cheap. I’m not suggesting we trade Willie Parker for him. I’m not suggesting we give up our next two #1 draft picks for him. Miami supposedly wanted a 2nd round pick from Tampa Bay. That’s not a steep price considering we always draft at the far end of round 2. Better still, offer a 3rd rounder or a package mid-round picks. At this point, what is Parcells going to do? The guy won’t play for him so they might as well get whatever they can. Beggars can’t be choosers.

4) He’d upset our Salary Cap. Hahahahaha. Sorry. I have to chuckle at that because Taylor will make $7 million next year. Approximately the same amount we will be paying MAX F’N STARKS!! A lineman who got beat out for his job last year and who has to compete for a job this year!!! He might not even start!!! Seven million to ride the bench!! For that money, we could have a guy who had 56 tackles, 11 sacks, 4 forced fumbles, and a pick for a last place team!

5) Okay, I’m calming down. One final criticism. He’s 33 years old and would be a distraction because he cares more about Hollywood than football. I already explained how his dreams of walking the red carpet with Tom and Katie are going to go poof in very short order. Yes, the age thing means we’ll only have him for probably 2-3 seasons. So what? Big Ben is entering his prime. Hines Ward will not play forever. Running backs can lose their mojo almost instantly. Look how Shaun Alexander went from MVP to cut in only two seasons. The time to win is NOW.

The Steelers aren’t an 8-8 team building for the future. We’re a playoff team trying to get over the hump to being a Super Bowl champion. And you do that by sprinkling in some quality rookies (check) and quality veterans. Jason Taylor is one such veteran.

Bring Jason “Twinkle Toes” Taylor home!!!