Jeff Reed Wants Paper Towels For Valentine’s Day

Editor’s Note:  For Valentine’s Day, I thought it would be nice to hear from a female member of Steeler Nation.  After an exhaustive search, I found someone witty and insightful enough to be NPC’s first outside contributor.  She chose to write about a very worthy topic:  Jeff Reed.  Turns out last night, upon hearing he was being compared to a Muppet, Skippy was cited for criminal mischief and disorderly conduct because he really really needed some paper towels.  There’s two images that should never be put together.  Take it away, Robyn…

Hello there, my name is Robyn and I’ll be your guest blogger today.  I’ve been a fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers since the mid 80’s when my childhood curiosity led me to investigate just why my father was yelling “you bums!” at the TV every Sunday afternoon.  My father taught me almost everything I know about football, with the exception of exactly what that thing on Kordell Stewart’s face was.  But all the football knowledge in the world will never answer this burning question: what in God’s name do women see in Jeff Reed?

I decided to take a little informal poll to see what the average woman thought of Jeff Reed.  Without telling them why, I asked women of varying ages to give me one word to describe Jeff Reed.  Here are the results:

* Douchebag (more than once)
* Womanizer
* Eccentric
* Promiscuous
* Audacious

Some people felt that one word was not enough.  For example, one woman said “He’s not just Summer’s Eve, he’s the whole day!”  Surprising to no one, none of these descriptions has anything to do with his ability to kick the football.  So what is it that allows Skippy to get more ass than a Kennywood toilet seat?  Clearly there is some sort of attraction to guys that look like a tanned version of the Heatmiser. (see hotchickswithdouchebags)

Maybe there’s a recessive gene out there that makes you think ridiculously coiffed hair, popped collars, year round tans, and sunglasses at night are sexy.  But surely there are better Steelers to lust after.  Let’s take a look:

Ben Roethlisberger: PASS.  If you get too rough in the sack with him, he’ll get a concussion and tell the media 3 days later that he performed with 3 broken ribs.

Willie Parker:  PASS.  Two words: Fast Willie.  It ain’t a track meet; it’s a marathon!

James Harrison: PASS.  The man needed oxygen after a 100 yard dash.  See above.

Limas Sweed:  PASS.  If you fall for him, he won’t be able to catch you.

Hines Ward: PASS.  If he sweeps you off of your feet, there’s a decent chance you’ll end up with a broken jaw.

Santonio Holmes:  PASS.  I’ve seen the pictures.  Ouch.

Hmm… ok, maybe the jersey chasers are on to something here.  My apologies to Jeff Reed.  Pimpin’ ain’t easy.