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Big Ben Emerges From Parts Unknown


I’m a fan of professional wrestling.  You’ll probably notice the occasional wrasslin’ reference in my writing.  Even though it has gotten kinda dull the past few years (Cena sucks), I still keep tabs on the sport.  It’s hard to completely break ties with a show I’ve been watching since Hulk Hogan slammed Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III.

One of my favorite aspects of wrestling is the utter absurdity.   Like, when you throw a guy into the ropes, why exactly do they bounce off in the opposite direction?   Elementary physics would tell you this makes no sense.  And then there are the mysterious masked wrestlers.  I loved when they’d bring in a masked guy and announce him as hailing from “parts unknown.”

On Saturday, Ben Roethlisberger will emerge from parts unknown when he sees his first action of the 2010 season.   Head coach Mike Tomlin has confirmed that his erstwhile starting quarterback will get some work with the first team offense when the Pittsburgh Steelers play the New York Giants at their spiffy new stadium.

Why do I say parts unknown?

Well, Big Ben is also a fan of the pro wrestling as evidenced by his Rey Mysterio tribute during OTAs earlier this year.  Then there was his appearance as guest host of WWE Raw during last year’s bye week.  He cut a fantastic promo on the Miz, by the way.  Anyway, Ben has recently taken his fandom to a whole new level.

In the 2010 Steelers media guide, his hometown is listed as “Cory-Rawson, Ohio.”   Only one problem.   There is no such place.  Cory-Rawson, Ohio does not exist.  It’s parts unknown!

Diehard Steeler fans will recall Ben has always been listed from Findlay, Ohio.  A quick check of Mapquest confirms that, yes, Findlay does exist.  But it seems following all the off-season turmoil, Ben has disowned his hometown.  This article in the Findlay Courier explains the switcheroo.

"“Especially in Findlay,” said Roethlisberger, a record-setting quarterback at Findlay High who now lists Cory-Rawson, the school he attended until fourth grade, as his home town in the Steelers’ media guide.  “A lot of stuff that was said is just blatant lies, which is ridiculous from people you played with and think are your friends."

The nerve of those people!  Negative letters to the editor?  Unflattering articles in his hometown newspaper?  People he knew way back when not supporting him unconditionally?  Who the hell do these ungrateful little people think they are?   That’s no way to treat a huge mega-star like Benjamin J. Roethlisberger!

You’re supposed to stand by your heroes no matter what they do.  So what if Ben’s been accused of raping two hoes in less than a year?  I’m sure Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, and Drew Brees have all experienced the same thing.  We just don’t hear about it because the media is biased.

This is why Steeler Nation has the best fans in the world.  Other fans would use something silly like two rape charges allegations in 10 months as an excuse to criticize their quarterback.  Not us!   We’ll gladly offer up our daughters or wives or girlfriends to Ben’s ravenous penis if it means another Super Bowl championship.  We’re so loyal that at training camp, fathers held their little daughters up to wave at Ben as if to say, “Win us another Lombardi and this can be yours in 13 years!”

We are REAL fans.

Besides, who wouldn’t want to have drunken sex in a dingy dive bar bathroom with the best quarterback in the NFL?   Don’t lie.   I know that given a chance each and every one of my female readers (all four of you) would have your black and gold panties off faster than Ben could say, “All you bitches take my shots!”

I’m glad Ben changed his hometown.  Stick it to them, Ben!  Those fools should be like us Steeler fans who will absolutely never ever believe Ben did anything wrong until we are presented with 1080 dpi high definition video of him committing an illegal act.  After all, proof is in the pudding.  And nobody could prove Ben’s pudding was sprayed all over that bathroom wall in Georgia!

If there is no semen, you must believe him…