Stirring the Baltimore Pot That Called the Pittsburgh Kettle Black

The following is an open letter to leovidal, a writer for a website called nearbaltimoremd.com. Leovidal remarked on my recent preview of the Steelers and the Baltimore Ravens for the upcoming year.

Dear, leovidal,

Thank you so much for putting me straight concerning my remarks in my article about the Ravens against the Steelers. I’m glad I have readers like you ready to point out my mistakes and short-comings so I can continue to improve as a blogger and as a writer.

Because you seem to be such a charitable person, I wondered if I might ask you a few clarifying questions because I simply don’t understand. I’m sure you get that a lot. Since you are clearly a better writer than any of us poor slobs at Nice Pick, Cowher, I assume you are a much better writer than anyone else.

I can only assume you are working at nearbaltimoremd.com because they offer a better benefits package than the New York Times or the Washington Post. To imagine those rags actually thinking they had a chance to employ someone of your clear talent is almost laughable. I guess you showed them.

You mention that I should “stay classy.” To that end, I would like to emulate the proud citizens of the great city of Baltimore. At the next Steelers game I attend, I will be sure to have half a dozen of my friends get slobbering drunk and pour beer all over a family of four who are not fans of the Steelers. That will teach those children, ages 11 and 13, that they shouldn’t be trying to enjoy a football game and certainly shouldn’t root for the opposing team, won’t it?

I know you were upset at my mentioning some of the civic problems Baltimore has. I would be very embarrassed as well if Pittsburgh were constantly mentioned as a city filled with drugs and murder. Who needs an out-of-towner bringing that up, right? I will make sure I do not mention those again. Of course, I was a little confused because when I reread the article you reference in your remark, I couldn’t find any times I talked about Baltimore’s crime problems. Are you sure you didn’t mean the article about the Bengals and the Steelers? I hate to admit it, but I did make a comment about the irony of Baltimore being called Charm City in that article. I’m sure your readers will understand when they click on the link you so graciously included in your remark and they do not see the remarks you mention.

Speaking of links, I hope you understand why I didn’t include a link to your remark. I knew my readers would not understand, so I saved them the frustration by not linking your article to this letter.

By the way, I was little concerned that you didn’t post a comment directly to my article. I have no doubt it was just an oversight on your part because a writer of your stature would simply comment and not write a post on his own blog. Writers of your ability would want us lesser hacks to know that you are there watching over us, right?

By the way, not that it matters to writers who have achieved the things you have, but my name really is Todd. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “How could anyone pick a name like that as a pseudonym?” I agree. I couldn’t think of a suitable nickname for myself for this blog, so I stuck with my real name. Do you think you might have a suggestion for me? I know leovidal is already taken, but if you have some other names that didn’t meet your lofty standards for use, I might be able to use one of them.

One other thing I want to apologize for and that is my pride in the Steelers. I mean, really, how could anyone pick a team that has only beaten the Ravens the last two times they have played, and all three times they have met in the playoffs. Clearly, the Ravens are a better team and I will endeavor to make my predictions more realistic. To that end, I am picking the Ravens to win every game they play against the Steelers from this day forward. I mean, sure the Ravens barely beat the Steelers in week four last year when the Steelers didn’t have their starting quarterback, and sure the Steelers have won six of the last eight meetings, but those all have to be luck. We shouldn’t be proud of those wins.

I thought it was hilarious when you said the Three Rivers were filled with “waste, vermin, and pollution.” And saying that you didn’t want to resort to “name calling” right before you said the rivers are dirty was the centerpiece of that whole paragraph. I was laughing so hard that I almost forgot about the time when I was in the Inner Harbor of Baltimore and saw a condom floating in the water. I’m telling you, it nearly made me forget that the week after I visited the Inner Harbor, the police pulled a body out of the water. I just wish Pittsburgh could boast that level of cleanliness.

Clearly I have a lot to learn from you where words are concerned. In order to bring myself closer to your level of expectation, I am going to take a page out of the Ravens book. From now on, I will talk as much as I can, telling everyone how great I am and how my editor doesn’t like me and that is why I can’t seem to get past my fellow Nice Pick, Cowher writers in terms of readership and comments posted. Like the Ravens, it can’t possibly be that I’m not good enough, but we all know that I am.

I hope with future postings I make I will be more in line with the gold standard you have put forth for me and other bloggers.

You are a shining example of your city and your team.

Thank you, sir.

Humbly,

Todd