This just in from the NFL CBA negotiations: Goodell says the players and coaches have been “too cooperative” thus far, halting any real progress with the negotiations. “Welcome to Minnesota,” Goodell chimed as he sipped from his Dunn Bros. latte in the Minnesota courthouse. “We’ve been trying to get rid of this Minnesota judge all this time for precisely this reason; nothing will ever get done in Minnesota.”
The people of the land filled with Scandinavian politeness, land of 10,000 lakes, land of confused sports fans, etc. have long been known to posses the “Minnesota Nice” curse. It sometimes takes people a full minute sitting at a stop sign before any one of the people waving the other one to go actually makes the first move. That is often followed by the two cars moving at the same time, stopping, and then restarting the smile and wave process.
We’re nice here in Minnesota, and it seems to rub off.
Reports of Terrell Suggs of the Baltimore Ravens giving Mike Tomlin a big hug after arriving at the courthouse in Minnesota have just surfaced. Suggs kissed Tomlin on the cheek and said “I love you man, you should know that.” Chad Ochocinco of the Cincinnati Bengals joined in, and was heard praising all the other Wide Receivers in the league,
"“I just feel like I’ve been a little brash and boastful over my career. I finally realize how wonderful these other Wide Receivers are, and I can see now that my play has greatly deteriorated over the past few seasons. These young guys deserve a chance, so I think I might step away from the game and peruse other things.”"
Even Cinci’s Terrell Owens, up for renewal on his contract, joined in with the negotiations,
"“I feel bad about all the hurtful things I’ve said to other players and coaches. I’m sorry to all the mothers out there who I’ve made fun of while on the field. It was never personal.”"
He declined further comment.
The Midwestern guilt is really starting to weigh down on some guys. Tom Brady came forward in negotiations stating “the players have agreed that we want the owners to have everything they are asking for. We are indebted to the owners for our professional careers and it is the least we could do.” To which Goodell responded, “no, no Tommy. We want the players to have everything they are asking for in negotiations. Better health insurance, a bigger cut of the 9 billion dollar annual income, no more franchise tags, just 16 games, better helmets….everything.”
Much like that polite game of wave-the-other-driver-on, the players refuted. “No, no,” Peyton Manning chimed in “this isn’t about us. This about the greater good. This is about the NFL’s players and coaches becoming one.”
No one argued with that. I mean, it’s Peyton Manning for god’s sake. He was already the nicest guy in the NFL, Minnesota is just really bringing out his inner guru. He’s been spotted leading the players and coaches in a ritualistic chant in order to bring them closer together.
Charlie Batch insisted the same. This continued back and forth for 3 hours yesterday, until the judge ruled that it was lunch time. They never actually resumed negotiations, because they couldn’t agree on who would pick up the lunch bill.
Ahh, Minnesota. Why did it have to be you?
So now it looks like we won’t have a football season due to such polite negotiators. Even if the players and coaches don’t actually feel the way they’ve described in negotiations, they can’t help but act this way. “There’s something in the water out here,” Goodell said, “I’m sure if Bill Belichick would show up to some of this stuff, even he’d be acting this way.”
Perhaps things in Minnesota will begin to progress soon, but don’t hold your breath. I wouldn’t be surprised if football ended up turning in to some weird combination of Curling and Broom Ball by the time they’re finished here. After all, no one ends up with brain damage from Curling.
Except for all that drinking. I’ve heard that’s big in Curling.