This week’s sign of the apocalypse has been brought to us by the Pittsburgh Pirates. With an 18-17 record, the buccos are over .500, and off to its best start since the team was 30-30 in June of 2005.
While the recent baseball success in the city of Pittsburgh has many thinking the world might be off it’s axis, seeing Hines Ward get arrested in Los Angeles just last week confirmed something fishy is tampering with the black and gold nation.
Police dropped all charges on Ward after they realized the car he was driving was not stolen, but Ward was wrongfully painted in a negative light if only for one day.
Between winning baseball records, Hines on dancing with the stars, lockouts, and an early playoff exit for the Pittsburgh Penguins, the state of Pittsburgh sports can be seen as an episode of the Twilight Zone.
Ward’s success on dancing with the stars has me thinking; if Hines can exchange his football cleats for tap-dance shoes, what other ulterior sports could members of the Steelers play if the lockout were to continue through the next calendar year.
Big Ben would find himself back performing in Pittsburgh at least once a year; only he would not be in football pads. Roethlisberger would live check to check as a monster truck driver.
Anyone who lives in Pittsburgh can recall those monster truck commercials as the infamous truck known as Grave Digger would crush cars, perform flips, and shoot flames out of each of its massive exhausts.
Just as fans admire Roethlisberger for his tenacious attitude on the football field, he would create quite the following within the hick community as the man behind thetainted windows of Grave Digger.
While Hines has already proven he can be a dancing star, his counterpart Mike Wallace could have a future as a matador.
Wallace would use his lightning fast reflexes and shiftiness to awe the crowds surrounding the ring. Matadors are also known for their flashy ensembles, and Wallace’s wild Mohawk haircuts and flashy attitude would seem to fit perfectly with the matador lifestyle.
On the defensive side of the ball, Casey Hampton would have an illustrious career as a professional eater. While Hampton does not have a marketable name for the sport such as Kobayashi, Hampton could certainly compete with the best champions.
It has been said that Hampton eats massive meals before each football game, which certainly makes great practice for the 12-minute heart attack inducing Nathans hot dog eating competition each year.
Tired of being fined mercilessly by commissioner Goodell last season, James Harrison finally snapped and took up a job as a parking enforcer.
Harrison would show no mercy when issuing tickets, standing by meters to wait for the minute they expired. Having Harrison as a meter enforcer would be great for the city…. Because honestly who would attempt to argue with Harrison over the validity of a fine.
On a serious note, Ryan Clark would definitely have a career in sports broadcasting. In his multiple appearances on ESPN’s morning show “First Take,” Clark has represented himself well in the media spotlight. He has also thrust himself into the limelight as the Steeler’s player representative during the lockout process.
Of course this was a fun article to ponder the idea of some wacky jobs Steelers players could pursue in the event the lockout does not get lifted. Titan’s running back Chris Johnson has already said he will run track and field in the event there is no NFL season. While sports such as track and field seem more reasonable than being a matador, one has to wonder how far a player would go to earn a couple extra bucks.