“Stay out of the papers.” Those were Mike Tomlin’s parting words to his team as they were dispatched from Steelers minicamp last month and, fingers crossed, the message has stuck. High profile off season NFL shenanigans have become headline news in recent years. The Steelers have had their share of news makers in the recent past; although none are coming to mind right now (selective memory is a blessing sometimes). Not to worry you seekers of tabloid titillation, plenty of other NFL players have stepped up for their moment in the spotlight (in the booking room).
Here are a few of my favorites from the fingerprint file:
Elvis Dumervil of the Broncos pulled or at least showed a gun to another driver following a minor motor vehicle accident in Florida. Not for nothin’ here but I was involved in a minor crashy crash while on vacation a couple of weeks ago. The driver that bumped me offered me a slice of the pizza that caused the guy to take his eyes off of the road. Seems it started sliding off away from him as he decelerated and what with all of his attention diverted to saving the pie, he ended up tapping our Nitro. I didn’t draw my piece. I didn’t show my piece. I did, however, turn down a piece of what looked like mushroom and pepperoni. That’s evidence, Mister! My advice for The Outlaw Elvis Dumervil: Pizza, Not Pistols.
Dallas Cowboys receiver, Dez Bryant, carried on the tradition of Cowpoke wide outs running afoul of Johnny Law. Dez joins Michael, Drew, and Golden in this less than elite corp. What was Bryant’s crime, you ask: Mother Shoving in the third degree.
It seems that his moms was all like “You better have that book report finished before you go out to play with your friends.”
And Dez was all like “I’ll do it later, mom.”
And then she was all like “No little Mr. Man, you’ll do it right now.”
And he was all “You’re not the boss of me.”
I am just reimagining the incident here. None of that was in the police report. But what is alleged to be factual is that Dez Bryant then pushed his mother and beat her with his hat. Nobody tells Dez Bryant when to finish his book report!
TIME FOR A PLAYER FROM THE PAST THAT IS IN DEEP DOO DOO RIGHT NOW:
Former NFL great and Pittsburgh Steelers nemesis, Ken Stabler, owes 600,000 green backs to the IRS. It would appear that studying tax code by the light of a juke box is tougher than it seems. His defense team will surely accuse the Steelers of somehow cooking the books to make The Snake look bad. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Stabler, on his way to take the stand, just underhand all of the documents to Dave Casper and end up smelling like a rose; albeit a rose soaked in bourbon.
Minnesota Vikings sometimes star running back, Adrian Peterson, needs to stay properly hydrated so much that he got pinched by the popo. Peterson was hydrating himself at a bar (they don’t call them watering holes for nothing) when the Water Tender announced “Last call for H2O!” This didn’t set well with AP who commenced to throw a fit the likes of which haven’t been seen since Charlie Cheswick demanded his cigarettes back! And like Chezeroo, Peterson had to be restrained by four uniformed officers and hauled off to the pokey. Must have been some tasty ass water!!
Current Philadelphia Eagles running back and former University of Pittsburgh stand out, Dion Lewis also got sent to the principal’s office recently. Dion and his brother returned to their Albany, NY hotel to find that they had been locked out prompting many to say: “Hotels have curfews??” Lewis and his brother knocked on the glass doors politely and then pounded on same said doors a little less than politely. When that did not get the results the two were hoping for, they did the next logical thing. “Logical Thing” may be a poor choice of words for what The Brothers Lewis did next. The duo pulled the fire alarm. Because let’s face it kids, nothing allows you to get into a hotel easier than a butt load of people running out of a hotel. Never get your hotel entrance strategy by watching HEAT. Don’t get your bank robbing strategy from that movie either or your strategy for snitching on your friends. That movie has more bad examples than good ones of what to do when faced with life’s dilemmas.
I haven’t even scratched the surface on the NFL’s rap sheet. The Bengals (wait, what?) and Jaguars (get outta town) along with twelve other teams have had players taken to the stone hotel since the Super Bowl.
“Stay out of the papers.” Fingers crossed….. Fingers crossed.