Steelers 7-Round Mock-Mock Draft

Disclaimer: This mock draft is supposed to be for satirical purposes and not for serious purposes. It is trying to predict what would happen in a world where the Steelers were running a weird science experiment trying to find out if it would be possible for everyone in the world to scratch their heads at the same time (which is the world that we live in). If you intend to take it seriously please don’t, or at least exit out of this window before you write “you’re not a real Steelers fan you’re a hater” in the comment section.

Kevin Colbert and Mike Tomlin will defend this pick by saying, “we felt with this pick that we upgraded out ability as a defense on all 3 downs.” This will inevitably turn out to be a false claim and Shelton will become washed up before he is referred to as a player who “hasn’t panned out yet, but we still feel like he can contribute to the defensive line in the future.” Shelton is lauded by “big draft” because he’s athletic for his size (which he isn’t) and he is extremely strong (even though he refuses to use power as his primary way to win). Sigh.

Nate Orchard might not project very well to the NFL or be very athletic, but at least he was productive in college and that’s all that really matters, right? *Kevin Colbert looks around nervously* Right? The good news is that, even though Jarvis Jones seems like a bust so far (he’s a player that “hasn’t panned out yet, but we still feel like he can contribute to the defensive line in the future”), the Steelers get to try again to make something out of his clone. Good luck with that.

109. Pick 87. ILB. Miami(FL). Denzel Perryman. 3. player

Nov 23, 2013; Miami Gardens, FL, USA; Miami Hurricanes linebacker Denzel Perryman (right) celebrates his tackle with safety Sean McNally (left) during the third quarter against the Virginia Cavaliers at Sun Life Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

Here’s a summary of the press conference questions Colbert will answer after this pick:

How do you think Perryman fits into the defense?: “He brings that Steelers mentality and toughness to our team”

Do you think you really needed another ILB this early?: “A good team can never have too many linebackers”

Time and time again this franchise has shown how little they value cornerbacks. That probably won’t change even though the secondary consists of William Gay and a bunch of grocery baggers from the nearest Giant Eagle. At least Glenn is big and long, it’s just too bad that he’s bad at football. Whatever, you don’t really need good corners that bad as long as you have a good pass rush. Oh wait, never mind. Please excuse me while a hold a gun to my head and try to convince myself not to pull the trigger.

Kevin Colbert, why don’t you take the mic for this one. “We feel that O’Leary is a tough football player who showed how much he cares about winning when he was in college. He was a gym-rat at Florida State, a first one there-last one to leave type. We think he can contribute to the team and bring his winning attitude to the locker room.”

My commentary: Because, of course.

Missouri. Mitch Morse. 6. player. 63. Pick 199. OT

Since Kelvin Beachum has panned out to be a pretty good offensive tackle so far, why not pick all of the undersized offensive tackles that seem pretty athletic. Wesley Johnson didn’t pan out last year, but that’s probably just a rare mistake. In fact, the Steelers should just pick an undersized offensive tackle and eventually just make up an entire roster full of them. Morse will eventually be released because he isn’t good at football.

The Steelers’ goal at this point is to pick the least athletic linebacker remaining on the board.

7. player. 2367. Pick 239. WR. UAB. J.J. Nelson

Obviously, Dri Archer has fallen flat on his face so far. He has proven that he provides absolutely nothing to this team because all he can do is run in a straight line very fast. Kevin Colbert and Mike Tomlin probably aren’t sure why Archer hasn’t worked out, but since he hasn’t they should probably try again. J.J. Nelson is also bad at anything except running very fast in a straight line. Archer and Nelson also share the rare ability to be mistaken for a high school freshman at anytime because the both weigh approximately too little pounds to play in the NFL.

I hope you found this mock-mock draft funny. If you didn’t find it funny, please refer back to the introduction paragraph. If you already read the introduction and still didn’t find it funny, then I’m sorry, maybe.

Next: 2015 Steelers Mock Draft: 7 Rounds v14.0

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